I Must Not Tell Lies
by creativepurpleglitter
Summary: Will thinks he sees He Who Must Not Be Named, and Umbridge does not approve. Jimmy can speak to dementors. What else is new?


**A/N: I'm actually starting this at a REASONABLE TIME! 9:30! Yeah, that's totally reasonable. I had trouble figuring out what I was going to do for this one, but I finally got it. It might make less sense than the other three, but I'm going to enjoy it nevertheless. I had a vision of someone singing a song from A Very Potter Sequel (someone who's not Will, for once), and you'll figure out who it is shortly. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**American Idiot**_**, **_**Harry Potter**_**, A Very Potter Sequel, A Very Potter Musical, or anything else I might use that you recognize as not mine. I wish I owned a response to my tweet to Scott, but that's not happened as of yet. **

WILL: OH MY GOSH!

WHATSERNAME: Ooh, let's guess why he's freaking out!

JOHNNY: You're wondering why he's having a spazz attack?

WHATSERNAME: Hey, he could be going through a stage of variation.

JOHNNY: But probably not.

JIMMY: For the sake of guessing and the sake of insults… did you realize that only old ladies have blue hair, and now you feel like shit because your hair looks like an old lady's?

WILL: NO!

TUNNY: Then what "magical" artifact has caught your eye this time?

WILL: It was something horrible!

EXTRAORDINARY GIRL: Not this again. Will, Johnny stormed in here last week because he saw the basilisk. You can't possibly do the same thing. The author of this script is not that mundane.

AUTHOR OF THIS SCRIPT: I want to steal your boyfriend!

TUNNY: I'm flattered.

EG: Don't listen to her!

WILL: Is anybody listening to _me_?

JOHNNY: Sure, go ahead, Will.

WILL: This trumps the basilisk, like big time.

JIMMY: Don't disrespect Johnny's findings! Only I can do that.

HEATHER: And only I can disrespect your findings, Will.

TUNNY: Actually, anyone can do that.

JOHNNY: For instance, that boggart you found nearly destroyed our lives.

WILL: I'm sorry! But this is worse than the boggart!

EG: What the hell is it?

WILL: I'm afraid if I say it… the Snatchers will find us.

WHATSERNAME: The Snatchers?

TUNNY: You know what Snatchers are, don't you, Whatsie?

WHATSERNAME: Yeah, but I thought Will said at the Cup that evil doesn't exist now that Harryhisboy killed V-

WILL: DON'T SAY IT! IT COULD BE TABOO!

JOHNNY: Will you just say it?

WILL: I can't!

JIMMY: Yeah, we get that you can't say _it_, because you have no balls, but you can use the pussy version of the name, can't you?

EG: Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself.

TUNNY: You said that only so I would start paying more attention to you.

EG: You like smart girls, and I like smart boys.

WILL: Alright, I'll tell you! I saw You-Know-Who!

WHATSERNAME: Who?

WILL: You-Know-Who!

WHATSERNAME: No, I don't.

WILL: Yes, you do.

WHATSERNAME: No, I really don't. Now, if you'd be so kind as to use the pussy version of the name Jimmy was talking about a second ago, I'd really appreciate it.

EG: *facepalm* Oh, for the love of God. This is not Abbott and Costello.

WHATSERNAME: Who is You-Know-Who?

JOHNNY: Why don't you know this? I made you watch all those movies… made you read all those books… and you don't know this? It's first grade, Whatsername!

WHATSERNAME: I must have been double promoted.

TUNNY: Yeah, but in order to be double promoted, you would have had to know the material.

WHATSERNAME: Shut up, Professor.

WILL: Okay, this is killing me. You-Know-Who is Lord Voldemort! The most evil wizard ever! He's back! I don't know how he returned, but he did.

TUNNY: Where did you see him?

WILL: I was walking home from my meeting-

HEATHER: Your AA meeting, perhaps?

WILL: -NO! My HPA meeting.

JIMMY: That stands for _Harry Potter_ Addicts, doesn't it?

WILL: It's a real disease! Anyway, I was walking home, thinking about how much I'm glad You-Know-Who is dead, and then… BAM! You-Know-Who is riding a bicycle down the street without a care in the world. And he didn't look very dead to me.

EG: Are you sure it was him and not just a bald guy with a flat face?

WILL: Excuse me, EG, but I think I'd know my true nemesis anywhere.

JIMMY: Yeah, mine's two feet away from me.

TUNNY: Me?

JIMMY: Oh, sorry. One foot.

EG: Jimmy, you're a dick. But Will, I don't really trust your judgment when it comes to seeing people in public.

WILL: Meaning…

EG: Meaning you thought you saw Dumbledore, right? And then you remembered that we were at the mall… and it was Christmastime… and that was a guy dressed as Santa Claus, not as Albus Dumbledore.

WILL: It was a mistake anyone could have made.

JIMMY: This is going to be painful for me to say, but I think EG is r-r-r-r...

TUNNY: Right?

JIMMY: What he said. I mean, if he was really back, the Snatchers would have come for us minutes ago.

JOHNNY: It's because you're here, Jimmy. You're our protector.

TUNNY: Yes, tell the man who forced a heroin addict onto you that he's your protector. Completely disregard the disabled vet standing right here.

JIMMY: Completely disregard the disabled vet limping right here.

JOHNNY: I'll do that!

VOICE FROM OUTSIDE: I think I'm far worse than a Snatcher!

EG: That can't be…

WHATSERNAME: I think it is.

*UMBRIDGE enters, looking like a toad.*

UMBRIDGE: Ah, could I really have expected much else? The Idiots decided it would be all in good sport to toss around the Dark Lord's name!

JIMMY: If you're so buddy-buddy with him, why don't you call him by his name?

JOHNNY: They call me Jesus!

UMBRIDGE: Which is exactly why you fools are going to hell when the Dark Lord has his way with you!

TUNNY: Haha, that sounds wrong!

UMBRIDGE: Oh… a Hufflepuff. The Dark Lord will have fun with you.

TUNNY: That still sounds wrong.

EG: Shut up, Tun.

WILL: Hey, Umbridge!

UMBRIDGE: Yes?

WILL: Did you get my text?

UMBRIDGE: I beg your pardon?

WILL: Why didn't you text me back?

EG: Will, that only works if you're talking to Joe Walker.

WILL: I don't really give a damn.

UMBRIDGE: Which one of you suggested that the Dark Lord had returned?

HEATHER: He did! *points at WILL*

WILL: Heather!

HEATHER: I had to do it. Do you even know where your baby is?

WILL: Do you?

HEATHER: Shit.

*Flees the scene… strangely enough, UMBRIDGE doesn't put up a fight*

UMBRIDGE: What gave you a strange idea like that, young man?

WILL: I saw him riding his bike.

UMBRIDGE: Surely you didn't. The world is perfectly safe. He has not returned.

JIMMY: Excuse me, toad-face, but a minute ago, you were all gung-ho for your Dark Lord to kick my ass. So, which one is it?

UMBRIDGE: I can't answer that question at this time. *to WILL* Just what kind of bike did you see him riding?

WILL: It was a banana Roadster- an interesting choice for someone so… sinister.

UMBRIDGE: Oh… well… in that case…

JOHNNY: Don't get flustered! Use a bit of mustard!

TUNNY: Yeah, you're a hot dog, Umbridge!

UMBRIDGE: ENOUGH! I live in England; I can visit the Frankenstein place whenever I please. I don't need it to be reenacted in front of my face in Jingletown, USA.

JOHNNY: We're famous!

JIMMY: Really? You're just getting that now?

UMBRIDGE: What's your name, boy with blue hair?

JIMMY: I told you it was noticeable!

WILL: Will Esper.

UMBRIDGE: You're going to be doing some lines for me, Mr. Esper.

EG: Oh no…

TUNNY: Do you think she's going to use that trick?

EG: Look at her. She's evil!

WHATSERNAME: She's too pink to be evil, don't you think?

EG: But that's what makes her evil! Look! She's getting out the parchment and the quill, but she doesn't have any ink.

JOHNNY: Tun-Tun, do your Hufflepuff senses tell you where the ink is?

TUNNY: There's no ink in this room.

JOHNNY: SHE'S GOING TO CUT HIM!

JIMMY: Does anybody else think it's weird that Will can't hear us, but we're in the same room?

WHATSERNAME: Yes, but after three scripts, I just sort of go with it.

EG: Hey! We're not on _Half-Blood Prince_ yet! You can't make that reference.

WHATSERNAME: Sorry, it felt right.

UMBRIDGE: Well, Mr. Esper, go on.

WILL: I haven't any ink.

UMBRIDGE: *giggles* Oh, you won't be needing any.

WILL: What would you like me to write?

JOHNNY: He's in denial! He knows what she wants him to write!

UMBRIDGE: Write… I must not tell lies.

WILL: Hmmm… this sounds scarily familiar.

TUNNY: That's because you fell asleep rereading this scene last night! You fell asleep with your fake glasses on and this book on your chest!

EG: It's no use. He can't hear you.

TUNNY: SHUT UP, EG! Can't you see my Will is getting cut by that TOAD?

JIMMY: Tunny, congratulations. You've joined my side. Would you like a cookie?

*TUNNY slaps JIMMY's hand away.*

TUNNY: Silence, metaphorical spawn of Satan! I didn't mean to offend EG!

JOHNNY: Stop your useless rambling and take a look at Will, huh?

WILL: *writes* OWWWWWWW! This is like… death… in my hand! OWWWWW! I should have known better than to fall for Umbridge's tricks! And I call myself a _Harry Potter_ nerd!

UMBRIDGE: I want a hundred of those done, Mr. Esper!

TUNNY: Like hell!

JIMMY: You're not prepared to take on the pink lady.

TUNNY: Oh, and you are?

JIMMY: No, but I will be once I sing a song about it.

JOHNNY: Yay! Jimmy's going to sing a song!

EG: We heard him the first time.

*Music starts playing from the band that obviously follows them around*

JOHNNY: Oh, I love this song! Can I be Draco?

JIMMY: Well, I'm going to be Harry.

TUNNY: And EG is obviously Hermione, so I'll be Ron.

JIMMY: My mind is racing, but my heart, it beats faster!

I'm in control, commander and master!

Lady Fate creating disaster, but she ain't the boss of me.

A head-on collision with a catastrophic setback

Makes you either wanna get lost, or get back.

I choose the latter; let's not forget that

We hold the cards this time,

So there's no need to bitch *points at EG* or whine *points at JOHNNY*!

There's no way

I'm gonna take another option,

No way I am gonna settle with a loss!

No way I'm gonna sit around and watch,

There's no, no way...

There's no way

You're gonna find me in the background,

No damn way you gonna see me satisfied!

No way they're ever gonna make me back down,

No, no way...

There's no way!

JOHNNY: Home field advantage,

The upper hand is ours,

So the game is on!

EG and TUNNY: The clock ticks

But we got our kicks (JIMMY: Only three!)

To fuss with and fix what's wrong!

JIMMY: Let's wake up and go guys

Take out the bad guys

Break out your mad-eyes!

ALL: YEAH!

We'll take it on together

We're stronger and we're better

And if there's a problem-

JIMMY: Ha!

ALL: Whatever!

*They sing the chorus again.*

JOHNNY: That was ironically exhausting.

JIMMY: So, you want to go kick Umbridge's ass now?

TUNNY: Yes! WILL! I'M COMING FOR YOU, DEAR!

EG: This is turning into a repeat of that shameful story from last week…

TUNNY: No, it's not. *kisses EG and pictures the author of this script because she told him to*

EG: You should have kissed me like that in the Chamber of Secrets. It would have made more sense.

TUNNY: Well, I'm sorry if I was a little preoccupied with finding a way out of there.

JOHNNY: Guys, I just realized something.

JIMMY: Ugh, you're turning into EG.

JOHNNY: Don't say that to me! But I just realized… how did Harry take on Umbridge?

TUNNY: Oh, that's easy. He… he… you know, I don't really know what happened to Umbridge.

EG: Last I heard, Harry Stunned her in the Ministry of Magic at Mary Cattermole's hearing, and there were dementors there. But I don't really know what happened to her after that.

TUNNY: Where do you expect us to find some dementors at this hour?

JOHNNY: Jimmy is quite experienced with Azkaban. He and the dementors go way back.

JIMMY: I have them on speed dial. *takes out phone and summons dementors*

JIMMY: Just give them a few seconds. They were sucking the life out of an Australian pop star and therefore destroying the lives of his tween fans.

TUNNY: Well, that was awfully kind of them.

JIMMY: The dementors are gracious like that.

WHATSERNAME: Hey! You know what I just noticed?

JIMMY: I am so fucking tired of all these random realizations that don't make any sense with the story's flow!

TUNNY: There is no flow in this fandom.

WHATSERNAME: You all didn't give me a part in "No Way" to sing.

AUTHOR: Oh! I'm sorry, Whatsername! Here's a cookie!

JOHNNY: Why is it so cold?

*DEMENTORS appear.*

JIMMY: Welcome, fellas.

DEMENTORS: KUSSSSHHHHHHHH!

TUNNY: See that toad in pink over there?

DEMENTORS: KUSSSHHHHHHH!

EG: We want you to suck out her soul.

DEMENTORS: KUSSSSSHHHHHH!

WHATSERNAME: Jimmy, can you translate for us?

JIMMY: They'd be happy to suck out her soul.

JOHNNY: Could you avoid sucking out my soul, please? That's Jimmy's job.

DEMENTORS: KUSSSSHHHHH!

EG: Jimmy?

JIMMY: They say, "Don't push it."

WILL: OWWWW! I can't write anymore! I'm starting to forget what I'm supposed to write! Umbridge! Why do you HATE ME?

UMBRIDGE: Lies are not to be told, Mr. Esper. And you will learn this lesson even if it is painful to your poor hand.

EG: Do you see why she needs to be taken care of?

DEMENTORS: KUSSSSSHHHHH!

EG: That sounded angry.

JIMMY: It's because of what they said.

TUNNY: What did they say?

JIMMY: "Bitch! You don't have to point out the obvious."

EG: That doesn't even faze me. They're Jimmy's friends.

JOHNNY: Dementors, help us save Will!

WHATSERNAME: Who wants to be the distraction?

JIMMY: Excuse me?

WHATSERNAME: You know, the distraction, like when Harry confronts Umbridge before he Stuns her.

TUNNY: Oh, that distraction. Well, normally, I'd say Will, but he's a bit incapacitated at the moment.

WILL: I've got to be strong… try to hang on… or else my mind may very well… SNAP!

EG: You know he needs to be saved when he's quoting _Rocky Horror_ instead of _Harry Potter_.

JOHNNY: I'll be Harry!

*Walks up to UMBRIDGE*

UMBRIDGE: Flannel is not in, young man. Do I have to give you the same punishment I gave to your friend?

JOHNNY: No.

UMBRIDGE: Ah, but you must know deep down, you deserve to be punished.

JOHNNY: I know no such thing!

JIMMY: He's not a very good Harry.

TUNNY: He's also not a very good Krum.

WHATSERNAME: Johnny! Remember the scene in _Deathly Hallows_! Reenact it!

JOHNNY: Oh, right. You're lying, Dolores. And one must not tell lies. _STUPEFY_!

*He stuns her, and she falls over in her chair.*

JIMMY: Dementors! Now!

*DEMENTORS fly over to UMBRIDGE's passed out body*

*They start sucking out her soul.*

TUNNY: Gosh, Will, your hand looks awful.

WILL: Really? I thought it looked gorgeous.

EG: I'm sorry.

WILL: No, really, it's pretty gorgeous when you think about it. I mean, it hurt like hell, but I have the same markings Harry had when Umbridge put him in detention. In a way, I hope they never go away.

*FAWKES flies over to WILL and cries on his wound, then flies away.*

WILL: Oh, well, at least Harry and I shared the same healing experience!

DEMENTORS: KUSSSSSHHHHH!

JIMMY: They performed a Kiss and have officially rid the world of Umbridge!

EVERYONE ELSE: Thank Jesus!

JOHNNY: You're welcome!

JIMMY: Not you. You were awful.

JOHNNY: You can say that as many times as you please, but I'm never going to believe you.

TUNNY: So, Voldemort is still back?

WILL: I think… *phone buzzes, takes it out to read text* Oh, no. It looks like they caught him.

WHATSERNAME: Who are _they_?

WILL: I don't know. The article is smart enough not to specify.

TUNNY: So, what do we do with this Umbridge corpse?

EG: I don't think anyone else in the world has ever said that.

JIMMY: KUSSSHHHHHH!

DEMENTORS: KUSSSSHHHHHH!

*They pick up her body and fly away.*

JOHNNY: Where did you send them?

JIMMY: Somewhere… a place where Dolores Jane Umbridge belongs.

WILL: Where?

JIMMY: Justin Bieber's backyard.

EG: Oh, that's random.

JIMMY: That it is, EG. That it is.

*Awkward silence*

**Fin**

**A/N: So, that was a random ending. I know it was. But I figured that might be acceptable. This was SO HARD TO WRITE. I couldn't think of anything especially interesting from this book, despite the fact that it's my favorite. That's probably because it's so sad. I hope the one I do for HBP is easier… you do have Weasley's Wizard Wheezes for that one. I'm a pretty cool kid for giving this such thought. SARCASM! Oh, and guess what? SCOTT TWEETED ME!**


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